I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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