don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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