do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
