I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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