On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
