Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Randomize
