jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Randomize
