My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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