I accidentally burped into my bong.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize