i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Randomize
