Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
