1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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