hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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