Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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