1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Randomize
