You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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