Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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