I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I lost the right to judge tonight
Randomize
