Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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