I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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