I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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