guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
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