is your mom at the bar?
so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
