yeah my walk of shame consisted of driving on the wrong side of the road at 6am still drunk with cum drying in my hair and left eye.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
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