Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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