Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
