I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize