My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
