I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize