forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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