My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Randomize
