I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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