Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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