Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Randomize
