Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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