Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
