my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
