ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
