my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
