theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
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