I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
