what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
