I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Randomize
