I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
