Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
