Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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