I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
