I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
