life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize