well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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