onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
