Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
