people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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