I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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