I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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