I wish I could teleport
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
