I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I smell like Dick and happiness
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