look no pants
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
