my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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