You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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