Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
