I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
