I wish I could punch you in the face.
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
