I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
