My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
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