if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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