omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
